My Why

In just a few days I will begin my hike of the Pacific Crest Trail, a 2,650 (ish) mile hike from Mexico to Canada. The trail passes through over 700 miles of California Desert before heading into the High Sierras into Northern California and then winds through the Cascades of Oregon and Washington to the northern border. The trail will take me 5-6 months, during which time I will average hiking almost 20 miles a day (rain or shine), all while sleeping in a tent with limited access to laundry, showers, or indoor toilets. In other words, I will be completing what is known as a “Thru Hike” – a point to point hike of considerable distance.

I haven’t told many people about my plans, but the few that I have told usually look at me with the same question behind their eyes,

Why are you doing this?

It’s a question that every thru hiker has to answer for themselves, and everyone’s “why” is different, but it’s what drives people through the toughest days on trail. The 100+ degree heat, below freezing nights, incessant rain, aching bodies, loneliness, and boredom that come with the trail necessitate a rock solid “why”. I’m walking away from a great job with incredible coworkers, an apartment I love, a fantastic group of friends, and the promise of a beautiful LA summer with waning covid restrictions. So why am I doing this?

I’ve had a really rough year. Truly, my 24th year of life has been the worst year of my life, which felt extra terrible considering my 23rd year was the best year of my life. On my 24th birthday I felt incredible. I was confident, happy, I liked myself, I’d just completed a marathon and I was kicking ass at my job. I was proud of myself and who I was. Then I was hit with a one two punch: Covid isolation and a resurgence of my cyclical depression.

I’ve dealt with cyclical depression my entire adult life, experiencing 4 low periods in the last 7-8 years. Each time, I learn new strategies to get over my depression, and these interventions plus time eventually help me pull myself out of it. But this time was different. I got stuck in a cycle of feeling bad, disappointing myself, and then feeling worse, and then disappointing myself even more. After a while, I no longer felt that I possessed any of the qualities I used to like about me. I became a hollow shell of the woman I used to be, and I didn’t even recognize myself. It became a vicious cycle as I sank lower and lower, and none of the strategies that I’d used in previous low periods helped. I was sinking into self destructive behaviors, and I was desperate for a way out.

I’ve decided that what I need is a hard reset in my life. I’ve always really enjoyed hiking, and I’m hoping that flipping my routine on its head and having a simple, singular goal of walking to Canada will help me rediscover the parts of me that I feel like I have lost in the last year. I need to prove to myself that I am strong and capable, that I have determination and grit, and the will to push through something difficult to achieve a goal that seems far off.

So that’s my why. I want the time, space, beauty, and challenge of the trail to help me get back to the person I know I can be. I want to feel proud of myself again. Now only time will tell if that’s enough to get me to Canada.